20 things you may or may not (or not even care to) know about me meme
1)I'm pushing my way through a second degree I'm not sure I want. I love to learn, and will never stop....but I'm begining to think I would be happier as an author, or hell even a gardener, reading journal articles on immunology, psychology, religion, philosophy etc etc in my own time. I hate having my natural curiosity squished and moulded into a box, you know " you must answer this essay question , do not stray off topic"... many of those topics are tediously boring...and the tip of the ice-berg I'd like to explore. But theres something compelling in those grades, those pieces of paper that say, you've done it, and done it well. My sense of self, and self esteem seem to depend on them.
2)I struggle with the concept of reality. I am never sure what is real, and what I should believe about myself. I flip between thinking I am arrogant in beleiving myself to be intelligent and attractive, to believing I am inferior to others, dumb, unattractive, a burden on society. I hate myself in both states, 1 for being shit, 2 for being arrogant and cocky. I really think this stems from childhood, with Mum and Phil telling me I was shit, and nothing (well worse than that, but you get the drift), and if I ever stood up for myself I was arrogant and had "a chip on my shoulder"......I tell you even now it makes me sick to the pit of my stomach with rage, frustration and helplessness. Dad on the other hand was a gem, always saying I was smarter than most, more attractive than most.....so who to believe? I also hate mediocrity, to me it is a gray area, and I'd hate to be so ill defined...I'd rather chose either extreme, than be identity-less. I had no clear distinction of self as a child, and struggle with it now.
3)Mu uncle wants me to move to LA for a while and help him with his catering company - just for a break away. I am afraid to go, I am afraid to go overseas and leave behind the things I have constructed here and incorporated into my sense of self. I have defined myself by uni degrees, friends, pets, my house.....who the hell am I without them?. I think I only feel real when I'm gardening/bushwalking, with close friends, writing.
4) As a child I am surprised nobody picked up on my abuse and depression. I remember playing cards with my uncle, and explaining to him that I "wanted to go home"...but not "home"...home as in somewhere safe and secure and comfortable (nurturing)...now i still want to go home...find that home...that place in life where I have a secure career, a loving partner etc...where the stress of , what I refer to as the creation of life, is gone.
5) I want to sing!!!! I want to sing in a band on stage, I believe I can sing....to me it is the ultimate artform. The ultimate spiritual gift. The ultimate expression.
6) I am not assertive in any way shape or form with "authority figures"...ie: those who are older, in positions of authority-boss/lecturer/parent, or those I really admire....it is a problem...and I end up raging internally against any trespasses because i can't seem to open up my mouth and let the words out.
7) I am half Sicilian, half Irish, but don't identify with the Irishness at all...it is as though I have pure Sicilian blood flowing through my veins. For the first few years of my life I lived with Mum and Dad downstairs from Nonna and Nonno, and then when they divorced I visited Dad every 2nd weekend. I loved it! Watching Nonna cook, and yes even clean, with so much joy and love. I loved the big family dinners, the planning of the next days meals a day in advance, Hell I even loved grocery shopping with Nonna!
8) I wrote a list with my sister when we were 8 years old, of all the things we would need when we moved out, and hid it under the bed.
9) I went to an all girls catholic highschool, and cried every mass because I felt tainted from the abuse at home, and was sure I was going to hell. The nun's thought it was love of god, and were training me to become a Nun...I didn't wan't to be a Nun, but desperately believed I needed salvation, so went along with it.
10) I have been in love with Edyta for over 4 years, she has been with Mark for 15. I dream of the day she leaves Mark for me, but am also afraid that I am not enough for her, will not live up to her expectations.
11)I got so drunk in my first year of uni that I was taken to hospital in an ambulance.....I missed dinner with my sister.
12)I am not into organised religion, but am very spiritual. Most people think I am very liberal / left wing...and yet I am personally against abortion (pro choice for others of course), to me even the morning after pill is wrong. I believe in life from the moment of conception.
13) During highschool I was out as a lesbian, and all my sisters boyfriends came to me and said "I'm only with her because I couldn't be with you"...I think they were just hoping for a shag.
14) I used to play the trumpet (badly) in the school band.
15)I have a bad temper (Sicilian/Irish/Taurean - I can't help it), but it is usually kept well within and out of view of others...I did make "fruit salad" on the kitchen floor once though, after a nasty Mum/Phil drama.
16) I am afraid to learn to drive. I am afraid of having someone watch over me whilst i have lessons, I am afraid of not being co-ordinated enough, I am afraid that if I did get my liscence I would not be able to control my death wish that sometimes plagues me without warning.
17) I am constantly tired, though blood tests have never revealed anything...so ??/ who knows why, but I get wiped out very easily. i often stay up later because I think i "should as an adult"...but boy, often I want to crash and be snoring by 8.30pm.
18) I want to give away near all my posessions, and lead a very simple life with the bare necessities. I want a yard big enough to create a fairly self sufficient veggie and herb patch. I want to recycle my own paper, have a rain water tank, etc etc...
19)I believe the western world has lost the plot.
20) My little dog;s hugs and kisses make me happier than any drug ever could. I know through her the vital importance of "contact comfort"