||[Nov. 22nd, 2005|07:39 pm]
It's been a while since I have seen her alone, just the two of us, entourage free, and I miss it and miss her. This sunday at drinks, I spoke to her briefly about my plans to travel...and I had difficulty gaging her reaction. Is it wrong that I want her to miss me....and not just miss me, but not want me to go?
Does she hurt at the thought of being apart as I do? Or rather, because I am outwardly acting fine and not voicing my sense of loss, does she think I will not miss her? and that my heart isn't aching, and that I don't tear up at the thought of being without her? Is she doing the same as me? Is she adopting that same facade?
I'm hoping my absence will force her into a decision, I'm hoping by seeming to "move on" she will fear loss. When the truth is my heart and love will be as strong, if not stronger overseas...and she will be in my thoughts more so than now.
Does absence make the heart grow fonder? Or is it a case of out of sight out of mind?
God I love her...and I know she loves me, but for 4 years she has told me she loves me, and yet stayed with Mark....because she has had me anyway? or because she really does love Mark more?
Either way, I force something with this move....I force an answer...and yes, I plan to stay away as long as it takes...for her to leave Mark for me, or for me to get her out of my system.